Intimate Dating Sites: An Investigative Report Irresponsible Rant

With today’s internet, porn is something that, for the most part, will leave you alone if you aren’t looking for it. Browsers are now all equipped with standard pop-up blockers and most search engines now have “safe search” options for images. (To see how well these safe searches are working, do a Google image search for the word “fist” with safe search on and then with it off.) Sure, there are still a few pornographic pitfalls out there, like if you were looking up an address in Virginia and made that common typographical error; misspelling the state as rim job. Even then you would still have to click on one of the search results to be exposed to anything that would make your grandma cry. As the tides of porno begin to recede though, another menacing nuisance rises to take its place: intimate dating ads.

It seems now that whenever I am looking for news on the latest video game or trying to find a decent recipe for Turducken, I am bombarded by ad banners with scantily clad women asking for me to pleasure them. If I had one wish it would be that my internet experience be a wholesome one during the 7% of the time I am not using it for porn. Normally I would never consider clicking on one of these ads, but with these things swarming like a swarm of swarming bees, it was only a matter of time before I grew tired from swatting, and horribly painful bee welts, and agreed to follow the bees back to their hive. (I am no bee-ologist, but I imagine that this is normal bee behavior). It was only when I started exploring these websites, that I realized how deep the rabbit hole goes…err bee hive.

What are Intimate Dating Sites?

Unlike traditional dating sites like Match.com or Cupid.com, intimate dating sites are online communities to find f*** buddies. They are basically like online meat markets, whether you are looking for steak, chicken, pork, lesbian, or midget. These sites also have a varying degree of people looking for long-term relationships as well. This leads me to my first concern…

Conflict of Interest

By far, the most common and most sexually gratuitous ads are for a site called Mate1. Oddly, out of all the intimate dating sites I looked at, Mate1 seemed to have the most women looking for serious relationships. Mate1 ads are like signs that read “free pizza” but lead to a sale for used ovens, which a guy could potentially use to make pizza, if he bought the oven, installed it, learn how to make pizza, and still had enough money leftover to buy the ingredients. Now I am not saying ovens are bad. I love my oven. I bake in it everyday. I’m just saying, these women might be disappointed when all their prospects are just looking for a Hot&Ready. Why go looking for “the one” on a site that attracts its men with pictures of women falling out of their bra?

A Picture Says a Thousand Words; Most of Them Dirty.

On these dating sites, I’ve seen profiles of women that say “looking for love” and then their pics are just extreme close-ups of their cleavage. Looking for love? Really? So I see the eyes aren’t the only windows into the soul. If love is really what they are after, they may be surprised when all their responses are invitations for sex or, even worse, invitations from guys who will say they are looking for a relationship just to pork the merchandise.

Admittedly, the majority of these boobycam shots is from women just looking for a good time, but even so, is this really the best way to go about it? To use the pizza analogy again:

I’ll bet a picture like this:

sells a lot more pies than a picture like this:

Contrary to common belief, men actually like boobs to come with a head, if only to serve as a counterweight during sex. And ladies, if it’s facial blemishes or a hairy upper lip that’s keeping your camera on mamm-mode, Photoshop offers a lot more options than just the crop tool. Besides, even models need a little airbrushing.

Bad Influence

As you know, internet pornography has caused a lot of mass debating (*giggle* You see what I did there? If you read that fast and it sounds like “pornography has caused a lot of masturbating”). One of the biggest issues in the mass debate (*giggle*) is the access that minors have to porn and the effects that it has on them. Well I say porn is as harmless as this puppy compared to the effect dating sites can have on a young mind. While the images on dating sites may be free of nudity, the content of these sites can deliver a message that will stick with a child a lot longer than a mural of ladies’ pink parts. The big difference is that the dating sites imply that they are reflecting reality. Even a 13 year-old can figure out that porn is set in fantasy, but dating sites are communities of real people right? So these sluts are how real women act right? Your teenage daughter is much too smart to think, after viewing Plumper Peggy’s Pictorium of Poon, that becoming a porn star would be a good career choice, but I’ll bet she does want to learn how to date. And what can she learn from an internet dating site like Passion.com? Well for one thing, women try to get more attention with pictures focusing on their bare chest, and they tend to choose user names like Suckologist, Cum2Me, and HornyAsHell82 (I am not making those up). Then she could discover how common a request like “seeking discrete sex with men, women, or couples” is on these sites; so common that some sites actually organize by those categories. I could go on. So which do you think will have a more lasting effect on kids- seeing a nipple or a taking an online “whore 101” course?

What about MySpace.com?

I’m so glad you asked. MySpace isn’t strictly a dating site. It’s more of an online metropolis for any kind of self-promotion your heart fancies, whether it’s getting your music heard, your films viewed, or your ass laid. The reason I’m glad you bring it up is because MySpace’s gross popularity and loose regulations make it the perfect example for another internet issue: anonymity. See, no matter how lengthy and thorough you make your MySpace profile, it isn’t you. It’s your online interpretation of you. For most people, that interpretation is their honest attempt at expressing who they really are, but when people aren’t being honest:

The guy who looks like this online:

can turn out to be this guy:

This is actually one area where intimate dating sites score ok, because those who would use anonymity to lure people into a trap (i.e. pedophiles) don’t really have a target at these sites. The only other way to take advantage of such anonymity would be to lie about one’s looks, age, or sex, which would only work for people who planned on keeping their relationships online (i.e. cyber-sex) and in that case it really wouldn’t matter if the hot 22-year-old model you have been jerking it to is Jabba the Hut in real life. What you don’t know won’t hurt you.

Which brings me back to MySpace, where what you don’t know can hurt you. With the average age of members being much much lower than dating sites, MySpace is like a vast savannah of underage, naïve gazelle for sexual predators. But it’s not only pedophiles taking advantage of these freedoms granted online. Just last week it was reported that a 25- year-old man and a 13-year-old girl arranged to meet in real life after talking on MySpace, but it was the 13-year-old that lied in her profile, saying she was 19. So, this guy was probably anticipating what could have turned out to be a perfectly legal and beautiful relationship and instead ends up spending a night in jail because he got lied to.

So are these websites evil?

No. What all these online communities have in common, from Live Journal to Passion.com, is they all play host to encounters between people, and whenever people get together they run the risk of being abused by one another. As Charlton Heston would say: “Websites don’t molest people. People molest people.” A person can be much more dangerous than a naked picture of a person, or even an mpeg of a person getting pounded in the ass by a horse.

Wii? What about ME!

That’s right, it has been revealed that the Nintendo Revolution shall be officially called the Wii (pronounced “We”). The name will hurt its success in the west, where it’s synonymous with what a toddler does in its pants, and will do it well in France where it will translate as the “Nintendo: YES!” What concerns me however, is the meaning behind the name. Nintendo states that Wii represents taking down the barriers between gamers and non-gamers; that the name emphasizes this console is for everyone…

Well I say fuck everyone! What about us hardcore gamers? We, who have stayed up through the night, our own eyelids so dry that they scratch against our corneas like sandpaper with every blink, just to make it to that next level. We have spent most of our lives perfecting our skills with traditional console controls, and I see no reason why we should sit idly by while Nintendo levels the playing field. We don’t want a gaming system that our girlfriends, real or imaginary, can just pick up and play. We want a system that is counterintuitive, complex, and requires the kind of multitasking skills that only gaming gurus like ourselves could ever dream of mastering. So it is with this in mind that I present the gaming system that is NOT for everyone, but for the select few (or one):

The mI! (pronounced ME!) is the first console designed specifically for the hardcore gamer. Whereas the “ii” in Wii symbolizes people playing together, the lone capital “I” in mI! represents that I alone am what is most important. It also stands for isolation.

Controller

I earned these calluses on my thumbs, and I am not prepared to let them become obsolete just because Nintendo decides to make a game controller that operates like a remote control. I will not allow gaming skills of the future to be inherent to the common couch potato. So the Mi! controller will be outfitted with a grand tapestry of buttons, to control even the most nuanced aspects of a game. It has three analog joysticks, 41 face buttons, two triggers, two handle-tip buttons, three slide controls, a number pad, and a touch screen. There are also 12 traditional shoulder buttons at the front of the controller and two similar buttons to the rear, which I have dubbed “ass cheek” buttons. Oh, and it has a doorknob.

Eight of the 41 face buttons lie on the left and right handles of the controller and are designed to utilize the thenar muscles of each hand, which I think is Elvish for lower thumb. In the past controllers have only utilized the tip of the thumb, but I believe thumbs are the lifeblood of hardcore gamers, and just as the noble Indians used every part of the animals they hunted, we gamers shall use every part of the thumb.

The red “X” button, the largest of the buttons on the controller, is a true test for the hardcore gamer. If you press it, the game resets and you automatically lose all of your progress. Don’t press it.

The controller also has a perpetual game of Tetris built directly into it, which you must continually play or you will automatically lose at whatever other game you are playing. Ok, it actually won’t effect the game at all, but just try not to be distracted by Tetris. That shit is addicting!

Rage against the Machine

Rage is our ally. It comes to us when we are backed into a corner and need strength through eye-bulging psycho fury. Whether we are wrestling a bear to save a baby, or wrestling a baby to save a rainbow-swirled confection, this emotional response triggers an adrenaline release, allowing feats beyond our normal means. Any gamer knows that rage is ever-present in gaming as well, but that rage has always gone to waste as it never mattered how hard you mashed buttons or screamed at the console or kicked it across the room or pulled a knife on your TV. The game simply had no way of detecting your rabid state… until now. Every button on the mI! controller is pressure sensitive. The harder you smash your fuming anger down through your thumbs, the better you will perform. For example, let’s say you’re playing an FPS (first person shooter) and you run out of ammo. If you continue to slam down the “fire” button hard enough, your character will desperately chuck his gun at the opponent, followed by picking rocks up off the ground and chucking those at him too, and once he’s out of rocks, he’ll tear off his own arm and lob that at the enemy, and then chase him down, pull him to the ground and let the blood gushing from your character’s stub pour down into his eyes.

Furthermore, the mI! uses motion tracking, not only to track the controller’s movements but the movements of other objects as well. So now when your mind goes blank and you chuck that chair at the TV, it will not go unrewarded in-game. Also, because of the mI!’s voice tracking capabilities, your screaming of obscenities can give you the edge.

Attachments

The Wii controller is designed for an attachment called the “Nanchaku” which adds an analog joystick and two trigger buttons to the configuration. Since the Mi!’s controller is so uberly outfitted on its own, it requires no special attachments. We did however come up with one add-on to give some games that extra immersion.

The Axe Handle add-on transforms the controller into the Battle Axe configuration. By simply placing the rod firmly between the “ass cheeks”, you are ready to play slashing-based games with skull-splintering realism. Such games include Golden Axe Returns, The Shining: 3D, and Grand Theft Auto: Apache Chief

Games

Every new console has to have a lineup of big-name game titles for its release, and the mI! certainly comes packin’.

Earshot

mI! brings you the revolution of the first-person shooter with Earshot. All modern FPS games have adopted the “headshot” as a game play staple (For you newbs, a headshot is where you successfully fire your weapon at the enemy’s head, giving you an instant kill). For some of us though, the headshot has become such second nature that we never miss a shot. It has become trivial, mundane, boring. That is why, in Earshot, you are challenged to shoot your opponents, not in the head, but in their ear. Upon a successful earshot, your opponent will clutch their bloody ear-hole and scream “Jesus-fuck, man! You shot me in my fucking ear!” The game then shifts them to your team, with your new ally whimpering “I’ll do what ever you say, just don’t shoot off my other ear!” Those who try to play by traditional means and simply rack up headshot kills will find themselves sorely outmatched when they cross the path of you and your loyal army of half-deaf soldiers.

StarFox: 2007 Tax Edition

StarFox 2007 Tax Edition marks the return of Fox McCloud. This time he must fight his way back from deep within enemy space. But wait, it’s April 15^th! Fox only has till the end of the day to fill out and mail in his tax forms or face grievous government fees. Can you pilot Fox’s Arwing fighter past meteors, mine-fields, and enemy squadrons while filling out the necessary forms on the dashboard? Prepare to put your multi-tasking skills to the test. Ooh look, Tetris!

Mario Xtreme Beach Volleyball

Ah, beach volleyball: the sights, the sounds…the sights. This game definitely has it where it counts. Game play? Ok look, everyone knows these beach volleyball games aren’t made for their playability. I could bring back Frogger as the #1 selling game if I replaced the frog with a big-titted tourist in full 3-D, trying to cross Hollywood Blvd. Hey, that’s not a bad idea. Anyway, the point is Mario Xtreme Beach Volleyball will sell no matter how shitty the gameplay is, because of the huge market of people who will buy anything with the name Mario on it and the huge market of people who will buy anything with T&A in it. And it marks the first Mario game you can masturbate to (right?).

Specs

The mI!’s graphics will be processed by 3 Xbox 360s working in tandem and it will powered by one of those pod babies from The Matrix.

Additional Features

• All games will have speed metal soundtracks.

• Delux addition will come with urine bag to promote uninterrupted gameplay (Despite it’s name, the Wii oddly lacks this feature).

• The mI! will share the same sleek case design of the Wii, only with a badass flame decal.

Nobody can stop mI!