The Observotron

I am the omnipotent machine of observation and opinion spewing. All I do and say is right.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Intimate Dating Sites: An Investigative Report Irresponsible Rant

With today’s internet, porn is something that, for the most part, will leave you alone if you aren’t looking for it. Browsers are now all equipped with standard pop-up blockers and most search engines now have “safe search” options for images. (To see how well these safe searches are working, do a Google image search for the word “fist” with safe search on and then with it off.) Sure, there are still a few pornographic pitfalls out there, like if you were looking up an address in Virginia and made that common typographical error; misspelling the state as rim job. Even then you would still have to click on one of the search results to be exposed to anything that would make your grandma cry. As the tides of porno begin to recede though, another menacing nuisance rises to take its place: intimate dating ads.

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It seems now that whenever I am looking for news on the latest video game or trying to find a decent recipe for Turducken, I am bombarded by ad banners with scantily clad women asking for me to pleasure them. If I had one wish it would be that my internet experience be a wholesome one during the 7% of the time I am not using it for porn. Normally I would never consider clicking on one of these ads, but with these things swarming like a swarm of swarming bees, it was only a matter of time before I grew tired from swatting, and horribly painful bee welts, and agreed to follow the bees back to their hive. (I am no bee-ologist, but I imagine that this is normal bee behavior). It was only when I started exploring these websites, that I realized how deep the rabbit hole goes…err bee hive.

What are Intimate Dating Sites?

Unlike traditional dating sites like Match.com or Cupid.com, intimate dating sites are online communities to find f*** buddies. They are basically like online meat markets, whether you are looking for steak, chicken, pork, lesbian, or midget. These sites also have a varying degree of people looking for long-term relationships as well. This leads me to my first concern…

Conflict of Interest

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usBy far, the most common and most sexually gratuitous ads are for a site called Mate1. Oddly, out of all the intimate dating sites I looked at, Mate1 seemed to have the most women looking for serious relationships. Mate1 ads are like signs that read “free pizza” but lead to a sale for used ovens, which a guy could potentially use to make pizza, if he bought the oven, installed it, learn how to make pizza, and still had enough money leftover to buy the ingredients. Now I am not saying ovens are bad. I love my oven. I bake in it everyday. I’m just saying, these women might be disappointed when all their prospects are just looking for a Hot&Ready. Why go looking for “the one” on a site that attracts its men with pictures of women falling out of their bra?

A Picture Says a Thousand Words; Most of Them Dirty.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usOn these dating sites, I’ve seen profiles of women that say “looking for love” and then their pics are just extreme close-ups of their cleavage. Looking for love? Really? So I see the eyes aren’t the only windows into the soul. If love is really what they are after, they may be surprised when all their responses are invitations for sex or, even worse, invitations from guys who will say they are looking for a relationship just to pork the merchandise.Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Admittedly, the majority of these boobycam shots is from women just looking for a good time, but even so, is this really the best way to go about it? To use the pizza analogy again:


I’ll bet a picture like this:

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sells a lot more pies than a picture like this:

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Contrary to common belief, men actually like boobs to come with a head, if only to serve as a counterweight during sex. And ladies, if it’s facial blemishes or a hairy upper lip that’s keeping your camera on mamm-mode, Photoshop offers a lot more options than just the crop tool. Besides, even models need a little airbrushing.

Bad Influence

As you know, internet pornography has caused a lot of mass debating (*giggle* You see what I did there? If you read that fast and it sounds like “pornography has caused a lot of masturbating”). One of the biggest issues in the mass debate (*giggle*) is the access that minors have to porn and the effects that it has on them. Well I say porn is as harmless as this puppy compared to the effect dating sites can have on a young mind. While the images on dating sites may be free of nudity, the content of these sites can deliver a message that will stick with a child a lot longer than a mural of ladies’ pink parts. The big difference is that the dating sites imply that they are reflecting reality. Even a 13 year-old can figure out that porn is set in fantasy, but dating sites are communities of real people right? So these sluts are how real women act right? Your teenage daughter is much too smart to think, after viewing Plumper Peggy’s Pictorium of Poon, that becoming a porn star would be a good career choice, but I’ll bet she does want to learn how to date. And what can she learn from an internet dating site like Passion.com? Well for one thing, women try to get more attention with pictures focusing on their bare chest, and they tend to choose user names like Suckologist, Cum2Me, and HornyAsHell82 (I am not making those up). Then she could discover how common a request like “seeking discrete sex with men, women, or couples” is on these sites; so common that some sites actually organize by those categories. I could go on. So which do you think will have a more lasting effect on kids- seeing a nipple or a taking an online “whore 101” course?

What about MySpace.com?

I’m so glad you asked. MySpace isn’t strictly a dating site. It’s more of an online metropolis for any kind of self-promotion your heart fancies, whether it’s getting your music heard, your films viewed, or your ass laid. The reason I’m glad you bring it up is because MySpace’s gross popularity and loose regulations make it the perfect example for another internet issue: anonymity. See, no matter how lengthy and thorough you make your MySpace profile, it isn’t you. It’s your online interpretation of you. For most people, that interpretation is their honest attempt at expressing who they really are, but when people aren’t being honest:

The guy who looks like this online:

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can turn out to be this guy:

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This is actually one area where intimate dating sites score ok, because those who would use anonymity to lure people into a trap (i.e. pedophiles) don’t really have a target at these sites. The only other way to take advantage of such anonymity would be to lie about one’s looks, age, or sex, which would only work for people who planned on keeping their relationships online (i.e. cyber-sex) and in that case it really wouldn’t matter if the hot 22-year-old model you have been jerking it to is Jabba the Hut in real life. What you don’t know won’t hurt you.

Which brings me back to MySpace, where what you don’t know can hurt you. With the average age of members being much much lower than dating sites, MySpace is like a vast savannah of underage, naïve gazelle for sexual predators. But it’s not only pedophiles taking advantage of these freedoms granted online. Just last week it was reported that a 25- year-old man and a 13-year-old girl arranged to meet in real life after talking on MySpace, but it was the 13-year-old that lied in her profile, saying she was 19. So, this guy was probably anticipating what could have turned out to be a perfectly legal and beautiful relationship and instead ends up spending a night in jail because he got lied to.

So are these websites evil?

No. What all these online communities have in common, from Live Journal to Passion.com, is they all play host to encounters between people, and whenever people get together they run the risk of being abused by one another. As Charlton Heston would say: “Websites don’t molest people. People molest people.” A person can be much more dangerous than a naked picture of a person, or even an mpeg of a person getting pounded in the ass by a horse.


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